So, it's summer. It's not calendar summer yet, maybe, but as I write this, the thermometer on my back porch reads 110 degrees. If you're a full-figured girl, you know what that means. You know what's coming. Curvy girls experience some things in the summertime. The heat, the humidity, and the sweat those two things cause are not often kind to thick women. That being said, although most curvy girls experience these hot weather woes, I'm sure every woman is familiar with at least a few of them.
1. The Burning, Fiery Horror That is Chub Rub
Chub rub is horrible. It is so painful. It leaves you walking like you've just been riding a horse for twenty-four hours, and the first time you take a bath or shower after you have a bad case of it? NOOO!
2. Being Unable to Wear Skirts or Dresses until the Chub Rub Heals
Or a bathing suit. Or shorts. Or anything, really, that lets your thighs rub together because that kind of friction is hellish. HELLISH.
3. Discovering That Your Shorts Fit More like Panties
Speaking of shorts … there's nothing worse than when your jorts from last summer end up looking more like … like janties, I guess. Jean short panties. Hahaha, I just made myself lol!
4. Spending All Day Plucking Your Shorts out of Your Cookie
Shorts are horrible. I mean, they're comfortable and they look phenomenal on curvy girls, thin girls, and girls who fall in between, but they're still evil – the way they climb up into your crotch with every step you take.
5. The Never-ending Embarrassment of Camel Toe
It happens. It happens to all of us, maybe because we have to pull those damn shorts up so high.
6. Finding out That Your Arms Can Get Chub Rub, Too
Go out in a tank top or a strapless shirt or even if your bathing suit when it's hot, and you'll quickly discover that chub rub is not limited to your inner thighs.
7. Two Words: Boob Sweat
All the boob sweat. Cleave sweat. Underboob sweat. Side boob sweat. All the sweat. This is definitely something all women recognize, though.
8. The Feeling of Boob Sweat in Your Bra
This, too. And if you happen to be a full-figured woman with large breasts, your cups are destined to overflow. With sweat.
9. Realizing You Have Pit Stains
Not just that, but realizing you have pit stains on top of your pit stains, no matter what kind of top you're wearing, no matter what color it is, no matter what the material is.
10. And a Sweat Tree Growing on Your Back
It looks like the Tree of Life, but really it's just the Tree of Perspiration.
11. Sticking to Things when You Sit down
If your thighs are bare, they will stick to things. Lots of things. Standing up will be painful.
12. And Leaving Butt Prints when You Stand up
This is so horrible. I get so paranoid about this. By now, I automatically look down and check the seat. Have you ever sweated so much that it looks like you actually peed?
13. You Almost Flash Everyone All the Time
In the quest to stay cool, you're almost always flashing boob, or side boob, or your butt, or your cookie. Something.
14. The Fear of Bending over in a Dress
Protip: forget about bending over ever again. Just try to look graceful as you squat like a frog.
15. Your Skirts Are Always Longer in the Front
Because your butt is so juicy, it takes up a bit more room in the back, you see.
16. The Utter Hell of Swimsuit Shopping
This is hell for everyone who has ever had to shop for a suit, I know that in my heart. When you're curvy and trying to find a suit that fits, however, you just … it's just … it's so horrific. The lighting and mirrors in fitting rooms are bad enough, but after you've tried on two suits, you start getting sweaty and everything sticks to you and is swimming even worth it?
17. The Struggle of Covering Your Curves Vs. Spontaneously Combusting
To this I say, do not worry about covering your curves. Eff that. Do what you can to keep the chub rub at bay, but never cover yourself up because you're afraid of some asshat making comments or wondering why you have the audacity to wear something. Have the audacity to wear anything that makes you feel comfortable.
Like say, a lot of these experiences are universal, but many of them present a special kind of hell for curvy girls. The summer struggle is real – and it's here. So let me offer up a talcum powder toast for my gorgeous full-figured sisters.